Monday, May 7, 2012

eat me



i hate cathy. this is not a new rebellious admission in the world of internet hating by any means. i mean, truly i can't think of ANYONE who likes cathy comic strips. not only are they anti-feminist and size-ist, but they're just. not. funny.

i have never been a size 5. i knew i was chubby by the time i was about...i guess 8 is when the baby fat should've melted off, but instead i started popping buttons on my shirts and my already full face turned full moon as the years pressed on. at my skinniest, i was a 9/10, and i pretty much looked like a ghoul. bones poking out everywhere, ribs and clavicle and sunken cheeks where i usually store my nuts. only the boobs stayed, and it was a different kind of challenge trying to find things to fit around them in medium-sized clothing. impossible. 14 seemed to be the perfect weight, but then i fell in love with a man who loved me no matter what size, and the eating without guilt began--a difficult road, really. just ask cathy.

currently at a size 16/18, and having just turned 40, i have to admit i'm feeling a bit sluggish. but i'm clueless as how to lose weight in a healthy way. in the past, it's always a crash--eating disorders of all kinds, diet pills, street drugs, abusive boyfriends and parents' comments, etc. i only really know how to drop pounds by hating myself. but now, here, in a place where i love the way it feels to be this size, but not how it feels i.e.: high blood pressure, heavy breathing, hard to walk, sweating in 80 degree weather, diabetes in my family, etc. i dream of healthful eating and exercise, but something always trips me up. i can't figure it out. i literally look in the mirror every day and think "ah, cute. you are CUTE."

and all the activism. being fat and being seen in public, being the model in my etsy shop, being out there and proud and pretty--i feel a failure to even desire to lose weight. it's part of the struggle.

anyway, i'm just venting. if any of you sweet crickets who stick around for my sporadic ramblings have any advice, or any tales to share about how to lose weight in a healthy, easy, fat-positive (???) way, i would love to hear about it.

in the meantime, cathy--have some chocolate, wear that bikini, dump your shitty boyfriend and get a clue. please.

5 comments:

  1. cathy can eat a dick along with the vast majority of sunday "funnies" strips. ziggy, family circle and i'm sure many more if i dwell any longer, can all be put up against the wall.

    that out of the way, i've lost 80 pounds over about the last 500 days or so. basically, i always ate healthy food but didn't understand why my weight had gotten to a point that i was unhappy with. well, as it turns out it the problem for me was portion creep. i was eating healthy food but way too much of it for my body's requirements. i found a website with accompanying app that i'm happy with (myfitnesspal) and basically started calorie counting. it started as a non-public goal and i never wanted to make a big deal about it but now i've kept it secret enough that it's grown to be a big deal in itself. in my fb icon i weigh about 245, am at about 165 now but have dissonance about changing my pic because i don't want to be one of "those" people. i have issues with people using fb as the PR front as how they want their lives seen. regarding the "fat-positive" stuff, that is enough for a topic in itself and that is a sticky wicket and ties into my fb "problem". in a glib ending, i'd say to try to make yourself happy but be examinate in how you define happy.

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  2. um, I would say be an activist for your own health, and not for anyone else's perceptions of you. Focus on feeling well!

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  3. also, I think being anti-sizeist also entails loving yourself no matter what -- if your size changes as a result of going "nutritarian" AND your health improves, so what? will you not be able to look in the mirror and say, "you're CUTE goddamnit" - ??

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  4. I totally agree with deepee here!

    Also, it's possible to get out, be active and move your body in ways you enjoy, eat foods that you enjoy that are nutritious, and reap health benefits without losing any weight. Weight and health aren't as related as people think. There's a great book and website about it called Health at Every Size, http://www.lindabacon.org/HAESbook/

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  5. Great post, and may I just say, I absolutely LOVE seeing you model your dresses in your Etsy shop, it's one of the reasons I clicked in the first place! Keep it up, please!! L)

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